Memorial Day

Well, yesterday was Memorial Day. I used to look at Memorial Day as a day off for my husband or the official kickoff of summer. Since my mom died almost two years ago Memorial Day has taken on a new meaning. It's a day to remember, visit, and talk about your loved ones who have left this earth. My family and I went to visit my mom's grave yesterday, other people had been there first, I don't know who. She had several beautiful flowers on her grave. Me, my two daughters, and my husband sat near the grave and talked about grandma. I told Susan about the time I told grandma Jeri I was pregnant with her and how she screamed and jumped for joy. I also told Adrian how excited grandma was when I told her I was pregnant with her and how she called everyone she knew right there and then. Susan talks about grandma all the time, I'm not sure if she really remembers her or remembers the memories we talk about. She was only two years old when grandma died. I do know that Susan feels a void in her life just as I do. She tells me all the time she wants to see her grandma. It is heart breaking, but what is even more heart breaking is that Adrian never knew her grandma and will never miss what she didn't have. I was five months pregnant with Adrian when my mom died. Something that comforts me is knowing Adrian spent four months in heaven with grandma before I had her. I think when my mom died I didn't properly grieve because I was pregnant and having a newborn. Adrian was such a blessing to me and so comforting. Now she is sixteen months old and I think the grieving is finally happening. It is incredibly hard because I feel like I am grieving all by myself and a part of me is telling me to be strong and cope. But part of me misses my mom so much and the pain is so real that I don't know how to deal with it. I have a wonderful friend named Annette who is always so concerned about me and checks on me almost daily to make sure I am ok. She is especially diligent on special occasions like my birthday or Mother's Day. She calls and if she can't get a hold of me she worries about me. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who love me and support me! It is good for me to write this because it helps me focus on what I have instead of what I don't.